Biblical ways to acquire a wife (a guest post of sorts)

22 June 2012 — 3 Comments

Just a bit of fun… my friend Tim Jahr offered to share this list of “biblical” ways to acquire a wife, which he compiled back in our college days.

Now all that remains is to figure out which of these he used to, um, “acquire” his lovely wife…

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1. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
—Adam, Genesis 2:19-24

2. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course.)
—Cain, Genesis 4:16-17

3. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place.
—Jacob, Genesis 29:15-30

4. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
—Moses, Exodus 2:16-21

5. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours.
—Deuteronomy 21:11-13

6. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law!)
—Deuteronomy 25:5-6

7. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a woman. Now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply repeat: “Get her for me. She’s the one.”
—Samson, Judges 14:1-3

8. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
—The Benjamites, Judges 21:19-25

“You want to marry your dead relatives widow? That’s great! Have a sandal.”

9. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
—Boaz, Ruth 4:5-10

10. Cut off 200 foreskins from your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
—David, 1 Samuel 18:27

11. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though.)
—David (again), 2 Samuel 11

12. Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
—Solomon, 1 Kings 11:1-3

13. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
—Xerxes, Esther 2:3-4

14. Find a prostitute and marry her.
–Hosea 1:1-3

15. A wife?…NOT!!!
—Paul, 1 Corinthians 7:32-35

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3 responses to Biblical ways to acquire a wife (a guest post of sorts)

  1. 

    Hilarious! That was the laugh I was needing today, Ben. Thanks!

  2. 

    Reblogged this on BRAD DOLL and commented:
    Humorous post for all my single Jewish and Christian guy friends out there looking to acquire a bride the Biblical way. Have fun!

  3. 

    Didnt you forget rape?

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