Just a bit of fun… my friend Tim Jahr offered to share this list of “biblical” ways to acquire a wife, which he compiled back in our college days.
Now all that remains is to figure out which of these he used to, um, “acquire” his lovely wife…
1. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
—Adam, Genesis 2:19-24
2. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course.)
—Cain, Genesis 4:16-17
3. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place.
—Jacob, Genesis 29:15-30
4. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
—Moses, Exodus 2:16-21
5. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours.
6. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law!)
7. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a woman. Now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply repeat: “Get her for me. She’s the one.”
—Samson, Judges 14:1-3
8. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
—The Benjamites, Judges 21:19-25
9. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
—Boaz, Ruth 4:5-10
10. Cut off 200 foreskins from your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
—David, 1 Samuel 18:27
11. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though.)
—David (again), 2 Samuel 11
12. Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
—Solomon, 1 Kings 11:1-3
13. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
—Xerxes, Esther 2:3-4
14. Find a prostitute and marry her.
15. A wife?…NOT!!!
—Paul, 1 Corinthians 7:32-35